Ayumu Narumi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
godinsolitude) wrote2017-08-22 12:30 pm
godinsolitude) wrote2017-08-22 12:30 pm
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Private Conversation - After Incentive reveal (8/22, week 4)
[Ayumu makes a beeline for his room and while he's allowing Hiyono to follow, he's silent as the grave as he stalks through the halls.
Their captors had to know exactly what they were doing, picking this person in particular for his 'stand in', and it enraged him.... among other feelings. It wasn't that long ago that he'd deliberately cut ties with Hizumi, and while he could pretend it didn't effect him in front of the Blade Children... he couldn't do it again. Not here, not now, not so soon.
Not when he knew Hizumi showing up here would result in another body, or worse.]
Their captors had to know exactly what they were doing, picking this person in particular for his 'stand in', and it enraged him.... among other feelings. It wasn't that long ago that he'd deliberately cut ties with Hizumi, and while he could pretend it didn't effect him in front of the Blade Children... he couldn't do it again. Not here, not now, not so soon.
Not when he knew Hizumi showing up here would result in another body, or worse.]
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But Hizumi... Hizumi was another story altogether.
She waits until the door is shut behind them before she dares speak again.]
Narumi-san...
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[He locks the door behind them, setting the key on the desk-- if she wanted to leave, she could, but he didn't want anyone else coming in. It felt like there was a storm in his head, dark and sickening, and he takes a seat on the edge of the bed, lacing his fingers together tightly around the harmonica.
If there was no murder this week, Hizumi would come here, and he'd immediately seek a way to die. He'd done it before... he'd do it again in a heartbeat.
...And that blood would be on Ayumu's hands too, just like Kanon's. A senseless, desperate loss of life.]
I know.... I know.
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...You weren't the only one there, Narumi-san.
[She remembers well what the final result of their discussion was. Though she doesn't know exactly how it happened, she can make a fair number of guesses.]
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[He swallows. He knows he should regret letting her see him like this, that he has to seem 100% ok with his choices.
But he wasn't. Not as much as he'd let the Blade Children think. He'd carry the weight of those choices to his grave, as he should, but that didn't mean he didn't regret that there was no other way.
He knew the weight of crushing someone's soul.]
But.... You only saw the aftermath.
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[She's worried, terribly worried for him right now. But it's a delicate time, too; for once, she doesn't want to push too hard.
Right now, it really feels he could shatter right here if she isn't careful.]
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[Ayumu knew that feeling. Knew it in his bones, that loneliness. While he'd always craved acceptance for being Ayumu, Hizumi wanted understanding. Companionship in a darkness so deep no one else could understand.]
We fought, up there. I let him have hope, that he wouldn't have to die alone.
[Hope for a better end, which for Hizumi was as toxic as poison.
And then he'd crushed it, just as he'd had to. Ayumu's knuckles are white, their grip on each other so tight.]
...I left him crying on the floor. I knew he'd jump.
[Planned for it.]
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She turns away from him, her own head dipped down. Even with the unscrupulous nature of her work, she's not devoid of moral sense. Hizumi and his fate - it's a disturbing one, even if, as Ayumu had explained himself, there are plenty of people throughout the world who face impossible odds with no hope of salvation.
It's a very similar logic, too, she notes. To someone they both know only too well.]
Narumi-san...
It's possible there was a better solution. But by then...
Hizumi-san couldn't be saved. Not in the way you wanted to save him.
["Saved" only in the sense that he wouldn't become the Devil, but that was never a possibility, they both know thanks to Kirie's findings. But even before that, it had been too late.
Since he pulled the trigger - no, perhaps even before then. Ayumu was too late.]
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[That was perhaps one of the most shameful points-- the logic, he knew, knew it resembled his brother's own way of thinking.
And yet he couldn't avoid it, no matter how much he'd tried, how much he'd wanted. All he could do, in the end, was try to make the best of things he could, and that required Hizumi's sacrifice and suffering.]
I have to ask myself.... if I'd done better, would it have ended that way? Would Kanon still be dead? Would Hizumi still be suffering alone?
[A pause, before he continues, voice quiet.]
....And would I have taken that route, if I'd found it?
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[Here she looks up, her voice firm.]
You are a flawed being, Narumi-san. There is only so much weight you can take on your shoulders alone.
It was the same with Hilbert-san, wasn't it? Without extra support, you were cornered into a position in which you were nearly forced to make a cruel choice.
[She takes in a breath. And then:]
Unless you would like to suggest I wasn't able to help enough to find an alternate solution to your brother's awful plan...?
[Because that's what it comes down to. Kiyotaka, pushing the pieces around the board as he pleased, sacrificing any loose ends as he saw fit.]
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[The words are sharp, quick. The fault was all his, not hers... not anyone else's.]
But Hizumi was my failing. Kanon Hilbert's death was too, because as much as I hoped it wouldn't come to pass, I knew that risk existed from the get go.
[As far back as when they'd stopped him at the school. His brother didn't leave loose ends... it wasn't his nature. Kanon's life was still on the line, and he'd merely hoped it wouldn't come to pass.
He hadn't done nearly enough, to stop it. Hadn't been brave enough, or strong enough.]
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How much of this do you intend to bear alone?
Your brother created this awful composition and pitted Rutherford-san and Hilbert-san against each other. Did he not do the same with you and Hizumi-san?
[Here, she reaches over, laying her hands firmly over his.]
In spite of everything that he threw at you, you rose to the challenge each and every time. You needed help and support, but - doesn't everyone? I couldn't have done any of that myself, nor could the Blade Children. That's why they need you; need your support.
[And, whether he returns it or not, she will angle to look into his eyes.]
You've grown and done so much, Narumi-san. I won't stand by and listen to you insist the blame falls on your shoulders alone.